Thank You Costco

I opened the Costco magazine today — The Costco Connection.

You know, the one disguised as a news magazine that’s really one big Costco promotional document.

It’s “the lifestyle magazine for Costco members.”

I’m a Costco member.  I carry the card, push the cart through the warehouse, and feel the rush of excitement when I see the lady giving out pumpkin pie bites.

I thumb through the magazine and notice some pithy articles about things like how to calm down angry customers, and how to fight back against abusive debt collectors. Neither of these apply to me but hey, some Costco members might benefit, right?

There are probably lots of cart-pushing, sample-pursuing, bulk-size purchasers out there that need to fight off abusive debt collectors and calm down angry customers.

What interests me most in the November issue of the magazine is the article on “Holiday Countdown — how to plan the upcoming Christmas holiday with ease and convenience.”

Exactly what I need this year since we have three wedding events in three different places, two office parties, a church party, a neighborhood cookie exchange, bridal showers, an annual holiday party on Christmas Eve, and wedding guests arriving on Christmas Day.

Thank you, Costco for the helpful tips! And, just in time, too!

Grab a pen and paper because I’m going to share some amazing tips so that your holiday can be quick and convenient like mine.

Step one: Download the Costco app. You’ll need it for all the product descriptions, shipping information and special offers. Oh, now this is going to be good. They even have an app to help my holiday go smoothly.

Sounding good already, right? First to-do of step one:  Order your holiday cards from the Photo Center.

I’m moving on to step two already because I can tell you now, don’t look for a card from me this year. After going through the design, printing and addressing of wedding announcements, I will not be repeating the process for a Christmas card. Sorry. But, thanks for the tip, Costco.

Step two: Buy a new mattress. Yep, you read that right. Get a new mattress. Everybody needs one right before Christmas. Call Costco and they’ll take away your old one for $79.99.

Still part of step two:  buy new furniture, and splurge on a limited edition print from an emerging artist.

Buy new furniture?

Okay.

We all need to refurnish our homes just before Christmas, right?  While we are at it, we might as well re-carpet, repaint, and add on a sunroom. Maybe I’ll bust out a wall and expand my kitchen too. If I do that, I might need even more furniture.

Not to fear, Costco is there to help me.

Don’t even think we’re moving on to step three yet because part two also recommends buying a stash — yes, they recommend “a stash” — of folding or stacking chairs.

How many are in a stash anyway?

While I’m remodeling my house for Christmas to accommodate all that new furniture, I think I’ll add on a storage room for my stash of folding chairs. After all, they come in contemporary and traditional styles that can blend into any room or table setting.

I’m telling you, Costco’s tips are making my holiday seem as easy as 1-2-3 just like they promised. I hope they are helping you just as much!

Step three: Finally, we are at step three. Pick a pretty party outfit for all the little girls in your life. I love this one. Let me think of all the little girls in my life, there are probably 40 of them at church, a couple of them next door. Gosh, maybe I should get 50 to be sure. After all, they sell out quickly and come in organza, satin, embellished taffeta, glitter mesh and sequins. What little girl doesn’t want to be draped in all that for the holidays?

Still part of step three is to order flowering bonsais and arrange to have them delivered to the hostesses of every party I might attend. Everybody loves a good bonsai for Christmas. Can’t have too many bonsais.

Then, still on step three, buy a pre-lit Christmas tree, garlands and wreaths; a luxury version of a British Christmas cracker with the Royal Warrant of Approval, and don’t forget to order an extra one for New Year’s Eve.

Step four: From the serenity of a favorite coffee shop, order shirts, pants sweaters, and outerwear. Dang, they forgot to tell me who gets all those clothes. The girls get the 50 taffeta, glitter mesh and sequin dresses. But who gets the expanded collection of clothing in regular, big, tall and plus sizes? They failed me on this one.

I’ll figure out who gets the clothing later, I’m moving on to part B of Step four and getting fruits, nuts and sweet treats in beautifully decorated baskets for whoever’s left on my list after I give the plus-size, big and tall clothing to the yet-to-be-named recipients.

Next, one-of-a-kind diamonds for everybody and photo books and custom calendars.

Check.

In four easy steps, Costco has outlined the quickest and most convenient holiday season ever.

Doug gets the limited edition print because he can always use another one in his office. Oh, wait, he has no more wall space. I’ll give the emerging artist piece to my friend, Caren. But, she might prefer the diamonds. Okay, Caren gets the diamonds. Sara gets the big clothing. Wait, she wears a double zero petite, bless her miniature little frame. So, Sara gets all those baskets of food or maybe the glitter mesh dress will fit her.  Annie and Josh get the mattress because they’ll need it in their unfurnished apartment. Maybe they can have some of the stashed chairs and all that old furniture that will need a home after I get all the new furniture . My mom gets the bonsai, but wait, those are for the party hostesses. So, mom gets the calendar.

I’m a bit overwhelmed, but I trust Costco so I keep reading.

This is working out swimmingly.

Oh! There’s a step five disguised under the heading “post-holiday” gifts.

And, these gifts are for me!

I love you, Costco! Thank you for thinking of me!

You see, they know we might experience a tad of stress even though they’ve been so kind as to walk us through every step of a quick and convenient holiday season.

They believe in rewards for a job well done and guess what? We get some well-deserved R&R!

All we need to do now is go to Costco’s travel department and choose a travel package to help us relax on a tropical beach or explore a faraway land or sail the seas on a world-class cruise.

This is going to be great. When everybody else is dragging themselves back to work in January, we’ll be resting on a tropical beach.

When I get home from this much-needed vaca, I can jump back into a healthy routine with the new exercise equipment I pre-ordered from Costco and had installed by Costco’s white-glove installers.

And there’s more…To get help me ease back to work after all this pleasure, and fun, Costco helps me stock up on printers, copiers, paper and toning cartridges, pencils, pens, binder clips and rubber bands.

And guess what? Costco delivers all of this to my door!

My personal holiday countdown begins now.

Step One: Toss my Costco magazine. This “lifestyle” publication is targeted to someone else, not me. And unless I want to be the customer that needs the tips on dealing with abusive debt collectors, I better forget Costco all together.

Besides the lie about convenience and ease, No body on my list wants those Costco big and tall clothes or those gift baskets.  The little girls will hate the scratchy mesh dresses, and I will not be shipping a new mattress to Utah for Annie and Josh. That bonsai is the last thing my mom wants.  And, give Caren a Costco diamond? Seriously? I can already see the look on her face as she searches for the Tiffany blue box with a luxurious  white satin ribbon, wondering if the Costco box is a joke.

Bottom line: Look elsewhere for tips on how to have a convenient holiday. You won’t find it in the Costco Connection. However, if you want a good pumpkin pie, rush to your nearest Costco warehouse.