More From the Homefront…

Last week, the news from my brother’s house was the bootleg whiskey.

Apparently, from Kelly’s research, he believes the whiskey was aged in a barrel because charred oak barrels produce deeper colored whiskey. That explains the color that makes it look like, well, apple cider vinegar.

I told Kelly’s wife, Paula, that I could write a blog about Kelly every day because he is so entertaining.

“Do you think he would care?” I asked.

“How would he know?” She asked. “He doesn’t read your blog.”

Good point. Serves him right.

I told him I am writing stories about him, and asked if he cared. He said, “You’ve made my life miserable from the day you were born. Why quit now?”

He’s a sweet brother… He tells me that every time I talk to him.

This is how our one-way conversation today went after I said, “hello.”

“How are you? I can’t believe I caught you home. You’re never home. Where are you off to today? You still can’t sit still for five minutes can you?

“Ah oh! Can you hear that woodpecker? That thing wakes up Chalisse (his daughter) every morning. She’ll be storming out of her bedroom any minute. Oh, here she comes and, boy, is she mad.”

“Where’s the gun?” I hear Chalisse ask.

“You leave that gun alone. You don’t know how to shoot a gun!”

“Then, teach me. I can’t stand that woodpecker anymore!”

“Oh, Laurie, I might have to go and do a little gun safety class this morning. That bird isn’t so bad when he tries to drill a hole in the old wood telephone pole, but when he moves over to the aluminum siding, he about drives Chalisse crazy, waking her up at the crack of dawn.

“Oh, she’s going for the guns. I’ve got a BB gun and a soft air pellet gun. (You know, I scare the cats away with that air gun.) You be careful, Chalisse, if you pick up that BB gun. I think she’s going to plug that woodpecker with my BB gun! I better go. I guess we’ve got a noisy woodpecker to kill this morning. Have a good day. I’ll talk to you later.”

I hope they don’t kill the poor bird. It’s just doing what woodpeckers do. And, there could be some legal issues involved. I don’t think the law allows for “plugging” noisy birds if they wake you up.

Not my business, I decide.

“Talk to you later,” I say.

A&E’s “Duck Dynasty” has nothing on Kelly.

I looked up a Fox News review of the show. They called the male reality stars “bearded bayou brethren,” and it said, the show “provides colorful trappings for a comfortably eccentric and engaging brood.”

It said watching the show makes you want to share a Mason jar of sweet tea with this “quack pack” and join their fun.

This is true in Kelly’s case too. You couldn’t find a more comfortable and engaging brood. And, if you visited him, you could settle in, do a little bird watching, shoot a pellet or BB gun, and instead of sweet tea, you could share a jar of moonshine — Virginia whiskey that looks and smells a lot like apple cider vinegar.