Change, Personal

Voices in my head

I have a voice in my head. It talks to me all the time.

It tells me what to do and what not to do.

Sometimes it dictates what I think.

I order it to pipe down sometimes but it refuses.

It pops up like those little Whack-a-moles at Chuck e Cheese.

I pound its little head down and it just keeps popping up again.

Maybe I need a bigger hammer.

Or maybe I need to listen.

The voice haunting me is my friend Millie’s.

Millie is a personal trainer and weight management coach. (

We met at the gym many years ago.

She tried to teach me how to be fit and beautiful like her.

The problem is that while I want to be more Millie-esque, I don’t want to sip on green goo and live off roasted veggies and six almonds a day.

But that’s what it takes to be like Millie or at least a better version of me.

So as New Year’s approaches and I face yet another weight loss goal, Millie’s mantras are shouting at me.

You can do this!

It’s a lifestyle, not a diet.

There’s a reason the word “die” is in diet.

There is no arrival.

You never get to do something different.

You have to do the same thing to lose the weight as you do to maintain the loss.

So instead of getting a bigger hammer (and bigger pants), I’m listening.

I hear you Millie!

The truth is I’m afraid of Millie.

She knows me too well.

She knows how I fall back into bad habits.

She knows I deceive myself into believing that I can “go back” to old unhealthy patterns and not gain weight.

She knows that when I do go back to those unhealthy habits, I will then blame my kids, my friends, and my busy social calendar for derailing me.

It really isn’t my fault, it’s theirs for making me cook, go to lunch, and attend and host holiday parties.

She knows that during the holidays I cop-out and forget about what is best for my health, and start trying to please everybody else.

Her voice in my head tells me I’m not really doing my family any favors either by making them unhealthy food.

So I’m mentally confessing to Millie that I’ve gained weight, which is the opposite of what I want to do.

I know she’s disappointed but she won’t say that.

She’ll say, “At least you’re back in the game.”

Then my admissions of guilt rush out..

I baked cookies, and ate them.

I even went to a cookie exchange, which I haven’t done for years because I don’t need dozens of cookies sitting around my house.

I tried to perfect my candy making skills, and kept eating all the candy.

I made cheesy pasta dishes and homemade rolls for my family.

I’ve fallen back to eating chips and salsa.

As these admissions spew out, Millie’s voice gets louder.

You’ve got to clean out your house immediately.

Get rid of all the garbage.

You’ve fallen back into old unhealthy habits and it’s time to rein it in.

Don’t beat yourself up about it.

Just pick up and move on.

Clean up the mess.

Remember the five critical control factors to weight loss: Get support, keep food records, exercise, clean up and control your environment, and focus again on counting calories.

Okay, okay.

I’ve got it.

I’m back at it.

Your voice in my head won’t leave me alone.

I know what I have to do.

Sometimes when she pushed me, I called her Malificient, the Disney mistress of all evil.

Really she is my Jiminy Cricket, my conscience, my own inner voice, and inspiration.

And we all need one of those, right?

Happy New Year Millie. I’m back in the game.

Who’s with me?

3 thoughts on “Voices in my head”

  1. I also have a voice, not a trainer’s, but one that tells me the same things. I am with you! I will try again to change not just my eating habits for a while, but to adjust my lifestyle. I am not sure I can go for the 8 almonds a day though…

  2. You echo my thoughts and goals for the new year. But, really – can’t I blame menopause? Doesn’t change the work I have to do, but it feels good to blame something besides ME!
    We can do this……

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